Today I’m in a funk. Sure wish I liked writing when things were feeling glamorous and happy. But that doesn’t seem to be my style. Slightly sarcastic bordering bitter is and that seems perfectly suited for a funk.
The good news: R&F Paints has put out a call for entries. This isn’t like the gallery down the street calling for entries. R&F is where I first learned about encaustics. R&F is my favorite maker of premium quality oil bars and encaustics. R&F is the mother ship of everything I hold dear. This is like Lady Gaga asking you to write her a song and if she likes it she’ll make a recording. OK, maybe that’s not a good analogy since I don’t listen to lady g so don’t actually know how much I respect her musically. But the point is, this is like getting an offer to apply to the dance club, country club, smart club, whatever club of your choice. Not only is R&F the club of my choice but also the juror they’ve chosen to dole out the key to the kingdom is not just a highly respected artist in the field, she’s the woman who wrote The book on the field, literally. Maybe she doesn’t call it “The Encaustic Bible” but it is.
The bad news: I’m relatively new to encaustic and will be going up against the masters in the field. I’m feeling daunted, insecure and overwhelmed to say the least. But I’m still going to try. It just means I’m going to be a really anxious, distracted, excited mess for the next month. Because of course, there is a deadline. And all the while I still have to function. Still, not such a bad problem, so why the funk?
I’m not sure.
Maybe because today is Fifi’s fiftieth birthday and I’m here instead of there so I’m not helping her celebrate. And believe me, missing a celebration with Fifi borderlines tragic. I say “borderlines” because I like to keep things in perspective, what with all the death and destruction going on in the world.
Maybe it’s because I put myself on a dating site and so far only one man has shown up. That wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t live in Texas. Or, if there weren’t a couple of local boys that checked out my profile but opted not to make contact. Or, if dating didn’t make me feel like I’m not enough in some areas and way too much in others.
Maybe it’s because I’m discouraged about my social life in general. It’s more than a lack of dating. It’s the total lack of tribe. In fact, all I want to do lately is drink, smoke and flirt with strange men in smoky bars. It’s miraculous that I ever stopped smoking. I’m thinking it’s probably better not to throw that miracle back. But as far as drinking and flirting… well, the verdict is still out.
Maybe it’s because I’m frustrated at work. But that can’t be it because it’s not like today is the first day I’ve had to deal with people to dumb to know they aren’t the only person in the room. But really, who wants to hear me bitch about work? Where’s the miracle in that?
Maybe it’s because summer is coming to an end. The election is drawing near and I still haven’t started applying for jobs. I know I’ve done great at manifesting so far, but this is bordering on cocky or stupid, or…. Oh there it is.
Maybe I’m feeling self-destructive.
No “maybe’s” about it, this is what happens when my laundry list of “shoulds” gets bigger than my list of “thank you’s.” This is what happens when I allow the critic in my head to take over. This is what happens when I let fear rule the day. This is what happens when I don’t appreciate my accomplishments. This is what happens when I don’t take the morning to drink my coffee and pretend to meditate. This is what happens when I don’t blog on a regular basis. This is what happens when I loose myself.
It turns out the Mother Ship really is calling. The Mother Ship is me.
miraclemapping 